Rally to Maintain Division!

Yes, you read that correctly.

This is the Rally to Maintain Division.

You see, a FORMER favorite author of mine, Rachel Held Evans, is pulling together Christians from every “sect”  of our faith to try to unite us all in Christ.  Now this seems great to most Christians.  But I LOVE division. No, not the kind of division that respects people for their theological differences; the kind that helps beat up our brothers in Christ.  The kind of Christianity that says, “I’m right, you’re wrong, now get out of my church.”

So maybe you heard about Jon Stewart’s “Rally to Restore Sanity” last October. Just as soon as Jon Stewart made his announcement, Stephen Colbert came back with his announcement for his “Rally to Restore Fear.”  His desire was to restore fear back into American politics.  And 200,000 people showed up on the Washington mall.  And Stephen won. For sure.

So now that Rachel Held Evans has publicly admitted to stealing this idea and putting a “Christian” spin on it, I am the Stephen Colbert to her cause. She thinks she is doing us all a favor by trying to unite us.  Well I call her bluff.  And even if I’ve recommended everything she has ever written before, I am now calling ALL of us as Christians to KEEP THE HATE ALIVE! (*Insert rally chant*)

Oh. I should also mention she is doing this entirely for selfish purposes.  She says she is raising money for Charity: water to try to show we can put aside our differences to help people in need. But I’m sure it’s all a publicity stunt. It always is from people like her (*insert fabricated story about her*).  I think pulling our resources together to help people in need is ridiculous and that we should just argue about useless theology all day.

That’s a cause I could get behind.

And thus the birth of the Rally to Maintain Division.

See the pictures below and further instructions:

“Predestined to have a choice?”

So much easier than healthy dialogue.

“Next time you think about accepting someone for their differences, be sure to smack yourself in the face and proceed to insult them for their faith.”

New sweatshirt I custom made: “God Doesn’t Like You!”

On sale now!

“There’s No UNITY in CommUNITY, but there is a ME in team.”

You just have to rearrange the letters and it’s all about ME!

Jesus said to love your NEIGHBOR, but nothing about the guy two doors down.

I’m a conservative. You’re a liberal. Let’s yell at each other.

Liturgical churches don’t really worship. Contemporary churches are all just a big show.

Other notable mentions:

Jesus is a Democrat. (or a Republican…whichever one drives you more crazy…but he is definitely in a political party).

Let’s go back to the good ole days…when people didn’t use drums to “praise God” and the organ cost more than most homes. Worship wars must live on!

“I Use Controversy To Stir Up Dissension”

“Denominations Are Useless”

“Christians Are Crazy”

So here’s your instructions:

1.) Post your own picture of how you are Rallying to Maintain Division. Or write something in the comments about how we can keep division alive!  This is the best cause I’ve ever been a part of.

2.) Write your own response of how we can keep division alive. Either in the comments here, your own post, or on facebook or twitter.  This needs to go viral.  This is the most important cause you could ever be a part of.

3.) Share this post with friends. Let’s get everyone involved in this.

4.) If you are a complete nut job and think Christians should pull together to battle injustice, love others, and show Christ to people, then go give to Charity: water. But only if you are crazy.

But if you are with me in battling against crazy liberal-conservatives like Rachel Held Evans, then join the battle!





I feel inclined to add that this is all a big joke.  This is satire and meant entirely for fun. It is never a good idea to not be unified. So let’s keep this light-hearted and fun. Thanks!


      1. I begrudgingly agree to stand beside you in your fight to maintain division as long as when all is said and done You and I end up at the extreme opposite ends of everything ever.

        a temporary alliance for the sake of long term division.

        1. also, I call dibs on Jesus is Lord and Savior. You can have the extreme opposite of that.

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    1. Dude! You have been writing SO much fantastic content all over the Internet. It’s been cool to see your writings get the exposure they have. Keep writing! It’s great!

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